Why is it so hard to love myself? I feel broken….
All night long I pleaded and cried.
I never thought it would come to this or that escaping that trap I would find myself here. . It’s been a long road but I am finally FREE at last
I am lying on the floor in the hallway, getting a really close look at the pile of the 70’s patterned carpet in our hallway, curled up in the fetal position protecting my stomach. I am in our family house in the hall way between the kitchen and the lounge being kicked and screamed at, and the person standing over me raging uncontrollably has a knife in her hand, as she’s just been chopping vegetables for dinner.
I cannot see why this has such a BIG reaction, it‘s beyond my comprehension as a 12 year old that my mother would stoop so low.
I have just informed my mother (rather late I admit) of a list of cooking ingredients needed for tomorrow’s cookery class. I kept putting it off day after day this week as I was scared of her (this very exact) reaction, which was normally predictably one of anger, and that I was putting her out and wasting her time with all these insane late requests.
“She must have had a bad day,” I remember thinking or “She just hates me”
Never once did I consider that her life was just way too hard for her and that she was ill-equipped and was afraid. Dad was having affairs and travelled most of the year and she was alone as a single mum. Yes I know that’s Victim energy. Her life was actually not too bad at all, it just seemed so. And so my brother and I sadly got the brunt of her anger and permanent dissatisfaction.
I am a young girl and already used to being terrified of a sneeze, or hearing her Hoover and bashing around the house. My senses are on red alert and know she is the strongest person in my environment, but I cannot trust her. She takes no prisoners and oh boy does not suffer fools gladly. Her temper is like a spark hitting puddle of petrol. The heat races through the house, and everyone takes cover.
As an even younger girl, I have learnt how to gauge the mood from noises and like a spider on her web the slight fluctuations in the air and with general knowledge. But, it’s exhausting being vigilant like this from dawn to dusk. I am not a happy child and take to overeating to fill the gap. I turn off my ability to feel for years and turn off my emotions so as to feel FAR LESS of everything. But I develop a cheeky and rebellious personality to this fluctuating atmosphere in the attempt to keep it light and discover obsessing over food is a great way to numb out the voices from my soul.
Who Knew I Was Empathic?
I remember a story when I was 8 and had been cheeky or done something that broke the rules of this woman, and she caught me and reached for the nearest weapon, which was a hand mirror on my big mahogany dressing table and swiftly and sharply dealt me the consequences across my arse. 1, 2 and Crack the mirror broke (soul intervention) and in that split second I twisted and turned saying “7 years bad luck” and ran like the wind.
There was no rhyme or reason to the mood swings, all the way from grumpy and giving the silent treatment to looking for someone suitable to let out the rage of the day at and thrash.
A grew up attuned to her and then others moods sensing the minute alterations in the wind and temperature. I was affected and influenced and learnt to trust no one. Then later on I adapted my skill to feel into people and ask questions of their safety and trust worthiness and more recently over the last 5 years as a Body Whisperer in what causes their health and weight issues as well as their blocks in their business and in beloved relationships from parents, partners and children.
I became adept at reading and getting information and used my body – that had sadly taken the toll from being abused and I went through a stage of hating my appearance, body image and tried to eat or starve myself happy. I now allow my body instead to not just be a thing to be admired but a sensitive finely tuned asset to read and gain valuable information.
I had learnt the hard way maybe, but I had learnt and appreciated the sensitivity I now have and know that my soul was looking out for me and had my back on so many occasions.
My beliefs that I did not matter from my early years brought a cascade of relationships (abusive, violent and with emotional blackmail) that reflected that actual belief I had held about myself. And once I homed in on and used my natural instincts and intuitive skills, I realised I was so much more than anyone could see or presume to know about me
I adapted, I changed and chose to be truly me.
“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to change.” Charles Darwin
I discovered a phenomenal inner strength that nobody’s judgement could rock (soul assisted) and I could and was creating a truly different life for myself.
I was meant to be this beautifully sensitive and yet at the same time not to be affected by the people and surroundings that wanted to pull me down with them. It had me trapped with old out of date beliefs of struggle, effort and survival that go along with this world. But Now I am FREE.
I believe I chose this life and these circumstances as well as the relationships, which were to remind me of my innate ability to change and create, and that I am safe to be empathic, intuitive and have as much fun as I choose to have in this body. I know without a doubt that I am supported by soul and have built an intimate relationship with her that I groom with daily communication, listening intently is a skill everyone can develop.
With my eventual acceptance that I was intuitive and hearing my soul pressing me from ever side to do the unimaginable. To let go of the memories, stories I felt had identified me and chose to rise above and beyond the earth and her rules and rituals is to now walk on earth, and not be affected nor influenced by what drama’s surround me.
I altered my story and what I believed had moulded me into the identity I had, and saw clearly that the only person it was hurting was me, So I let it go. And Now I am free to be in her or anyone’s company and see it for what it is. I discovered that I love myself, feel strong in being me and that has amplified my capacity for love that I have for myself and that I can feel from others too.
The funny thing is as I shifted so did she, softened and let go too. As you heal so you heal the others in your stories as well as many, many generations before and in humanity holding the same story as you once did.
Note: She too had her valid stories of hurt and blame and what one could reasonably say made her who she was and what she acted out, as did all of the others I attracted into my life who were just mean, yet they preferred to hold onto the stories of hurt blame and criticism and sadly now suffer with ill health and bad luck as they are creating their own experience based on what they still believe.
It’s a shame because I see so many suffering the same repeat patterns of their own thinking and creating a life of misery.
If you feel trapped and repeat the same scenarios in relationships, with your health from weight to sciatica and suffer with your digestion and even your business is taking a nose dive…Nothing is working as it used to…. It’s time to set you FREE
Create your new reality …..
Anonymous – No Name –
REMEMBER THIS “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to change.”